to live

for the last week, we, spent most of our time going to the market to get pots, knives, spices, and many other pantry items. i, alone, have spend close to 200 euro. we were trying make for myself a home in berlin. how is it feasible to live in berlin?

Franziska membership's name is "ITDONTFEELLIKEHOMETOME", sometimes i don't feel like home to me. i haven't gotten a chance to talk to her about living in berlin. Chiara grew up in berlin, and when i asked her why she is leaving berlin to teach deaf children in Israel, she gave me the same reasons i left seattle, it is a cold city. ed simplified SID for me. he and said that seattle is the suicide capital due to seasonal induced suicide? i can imagine being crushed under the clouds, and lost trying to find my shadow is on a gray day, lost and seeming to disappear.

i met a girl last night, who's name i probably would not remembered, or even have known, but luckily her name and number is still on the card in front of me. i would like to see her again and cook dinner for us. when we walked around, i saw the scars on her arm, and made sure to soften them when i got the chance. i tried not to be noticeable sentimental. she turned away from me in the morning and tried to hurriedly leave. i wanted her to remember later, even if she doesn't remember last night. last night is the only night so far, but it will not be the last. i walked her home in the morning and we talked, she taught me a little german. her name is janine and she has three beautiful freckles and eine nossal, lippa, sinie, und eine gross lahaine.

jaana is from estonia, also lives in berlin, and she loves berlin. she has been here 1 and half years, and needs to work on her german. great men live in paris, but never die there, so what about berlin? i wonder where jaana will die. joel was talking to jaana for a couple of hours last night, and i offer to give joel jaana's number and e-mail, and he decline, then accepted, and when we got home, he again declined.

chiara says that she admires the turkish people, for their livelihood and feels disturbed by their arranged marriage tradition. jaana says that when her little sister was in turkey, she didn't see as much women wearing traditional scarves in Istanbul as in Berlin (pardon my ignorance on the proper naming of the scrave, i did look it up, but got lost once again). jaana when she gets very drunk, tries to start a fight with the turkish people, she defiantly declares that she is an Armenian. the turkish people respond by smiling, providing her with hospitality, her new home is in kreuzberg and she loves it. she does not know how to feel about living in kreuzberg. jaana also admires how the strong, close, and warm the turkish culture is and continues to grow.

hilter declared that, no one will remember the Jews in 50 years, because no one remembers the Armenians. for me it is not difficult to imagine nuclear war eclipsing WWII.

joel said that there was no great wars left for our anyone anymore we can't be cool like our grandpa. he wants to do something amazing like walk from north to south korea, das ist der hammer. i think that everyday you are at war (and so does joel), epecially during peace time. i gave him "alle tage" by ingeborg bachmann to read. it is the war we fight alle tage with our daily difficult, and what we losers continue to challenge. i do not know much about anything. the most i can do is try to be a friend instead of being indifferent. i have much to learn about kreuzberg and will repeatedly visit the turkish market instead of doner kebops shops. for now the only way i know how to live is that, i cannot rest until i deserve to die.