that is for the future

i hated editing, because all i did was delete, delete, and delete. i wanted all of my scenes to be much longer. i wanted them to be drawn out. i like the time in rivette, ceylan, tarkovsky, and kirastomi's films. this however is not completely my choice to make. i could've made a movie about me sleeping with pooh, and have The Blackbyrds' "Son Bedroom Talk" loop on endlessly. i could watch that scene for hours, and i always do in my mind. scene like those are for me poetry, i recite them within myself alle tage. issacs likes the "son bedroom talk" very much, he listened to that song many times while we were on the train. i could imagine that eric can feel the same amount of affection watching issac sleep. however i know that my audience does not share the same affection and connection to those images, so i try to make something to connect with them, a compromise. this movie is not for me, it is for them.

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yesterday i was walking the the river and i saw an old lady feed the birds. i had pooh bear stationed on the ground, and she walk by.

film has been on my mind.

for the last three weeks i have been shooting constantly, if i was not shooting that day i would be working out shots and ideas in my head. i have not be able to shoot many of the planned shots. eric was right, when we come back to seattle, we will bring the ideas that have flown forth along with our film making.

i know other people have had trouble with filming, and so have i, many of the material that i have filmed i had to disregard. i shoot over 5 hours of material in many locations or many days, and now it is a 8 minute film. and i still have not been able to shoot many of the shots i planned.

filming was relatively easy. i did all of the shots by myself with the help of a tripod, rocks, trees, or any structure to hold my camera. and i only edited for two days. and i didn't not start filming until very late. i wanted to gain work out what memory and berlin for me meant first of all, and when i film it all came together quite easily.

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today when i edited my section of the film, i decided to add music by Komitas and The Blackbyrds. i did not want to add music, because i wanted silence. however i did not want to bore the class, so i added music. it is my hope that maybe some of my classmates will read this blog. then maybe the movie will be easier to understand, because the first few blogs explained the concepts and i worked throught my thoughts in those blogs. maybe they would recognize the importance for me to have the compersor Komitas, an Armenian composer whos' music is deeply rooted and scarred by the history of his peoples. i also did not want to add pictures of the isreali wall, to me it is too explicit. however it is an easy comperation for the spectator to make. i wanted to have images of olives and olives trees, maybe compare and contrast the trees on top of "garden of exile" with mahmoud darwish's poetry and olive trees being uprooted in palestine and certain building (like military bunkers, and etc.) being abandoned and/or destroyed. i like olives i think they are very tasty. that is for the future. i know my film may be boring to watch, but i hope the music by Komitas helps.

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my section of the film is titled "remembering you". i remember the "you" in the film throught the work that i put into others.

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when i watch the film with the class, i almost cried, tears swelled up in my eyes and it was difficult to speak. when people talked to me, i tried to smile and be happy. it is painful to watch the movie each time, and editing the movie was very difficult.

my friend said that when she read my blog, she cried. when she told me, i didn't realize why, because i thought that what i wrote is usually boring. when i think backwards my first few blogs describing my motivation for the film about my mother, i know what she is talking about. pooh is still with me. and of course i am not suppose to type about that in my production journal, because these things don't have to do with the production of my film, nor memory, so i will stop